Posted: February 6, 2010 by Jorge in love
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Some people find love to be the most difficult task they will ever encounter in their lifetime. Humans have conquered science, art, math, but we can’t establish a connection with the ever elusive theory of love. So, what is love? Webster’s dictionary defines love as “A strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties”. That definition seems too mono-tone for my taste, and the best definition I came across was from an 8 year old child. “Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing you still want to be together, and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss” – Emily. Finding that most people try to comprehend love from an emotional perspective, I want to dissect love from a scientific point of view.

Research has shown that human interaction is 55% body language; 38% tone and speed of voice; and only 7% is through what we actually say! In essence, stand or sit up straight; make eye contact; slow down your speech; speak from the diaphragm; and shut up and listen to the other person.

For those of you who believe in love at first sight, it’s time to re-evaluate your thinking patterns. You might just have experienced Limerance at first sight, or to simplify, lust/infatuation at first sight. Limerance is the psychological state of deep infatuation for another person. Limerance is an attraction whereby all the hormones are flowing leaving the individual feeling euphoric, lasting on average six months. Love sometimes starts out as limerance, but limerance doesn’t always evolve into love. It’s safe to say the person who you will fall truly in love with, will be someone you have known for over one year. You might even already be in love, and just not know it.

Psychologist Zick Rubin proposed that love is made up of three elements:

1)      Attachment: The need to receive care, approval, and physical contact.

2)      Caring: Valuing a person’s needs and happiness as much as your own.

3)      Intimacy: The sharing of thoughts, desires, and feelings.

Dr. Rubin was onto something here. We go about our weekend rituals patrolling bars, and other hangouts, looking for someone to bed, seduce, or fall in love with. Is there any question as to why most people looking for love strongly believe it doesn’t exist? You don’t go to the grocery store to buy a hammer, so why would you go to a bar full of drunken horny people looking for love? Will you find someone you can care for at a bar? Will you share intimate thoughts when your completely smashed? Do you ever find yourself caring for someone you met at a bar?

Psychologist Elaine Hatfield theorized there are 2 types of love.

1)      Compassionate love: A mutual respect, attachment, affection, and trust, usually developing from feelings of mutual understanding and a shared respect.

2)      Passionate love: Intense emotions, sexual attraction, anxiety, and affection, usually lasting between 6 and 30 months.

Passionate love arises when a person meets your expectations of an ideal lover, and when you experience arousal in the presence of the person. Passionate love sometimes leads to compassionate love, which is far more enduring. Sometimes we’re not looking for compassion; we want that 6 to 30 month fire! The thrill of getting to know someone lustfully is addicting to people. The body begins to release hormones, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, acting like a drug stimulating the brain’s pleasure center, leading to increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. It’s no wonder people don’t like falling in love. They’re all too busy trying to get high!

Love can be a beautiful experience, if you’re willing to get over your drug habit of Luminance, and begin to enjoy the splendor of building a long lasting relationship out of friendship, fulfillment of each others needs, and intimacy. We already have an imprint of love and relationships embedded in our brains. A woman’s first love is her father, and mans first love is his mother. If we come from a strong healthy family, it’s safe to say you were taught how to love from great instructors. Some people require help re-organizing thinking patterns in order to evolve into a more productive way of approaching love. If we keep approaching a situation the same way, expecting a different outcome, shouldn’t we question our way of thinking? Albert Einstein said it best: Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

  1. Hookedfishy says:

    Jorge, first of all, I’d like to extend a warm welcome to the MiYM familia. Second, I love your post, insightful! Your maturity and character has shown through & through. Kudos to you. Can’t wait for more posts in the future.

  2. Brian Mejia says:

    Great post! Learned a LOT!

  3. Daniele says:

    Quite the radical, enlightened and true perspective of Love. This is an awesome blog and a point of view, which should be explored in greater depth. It’s amazingly refreshing to hear a man be honest about what Love really looks like. Kudos to you! I look forward to reading more. By the way, I agree with you 100%. I do believe in love at first sight, but this is something that comes from a very high frequency. Namasté

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