Archive for October, 2009

Charity Work

Posted: October 27, 2009 by Brian in Uncategorized

You're on your way to the grocery store, you park your car, you walk
towards the entrance and notice something you wish you could avoid
somehow, but know that you won't be able to. The charity stand.

The aggressive solicitor of change is eyeing you and your pockets. He
listens for any loose change you may have in your pockets, remembering
your face for when you make your way out. Sometimes you'll get the
overly aggresive ones who ask for donations as you make your way in.
"On the way out", I say, hoping to cat-roll my way out and avoid him
completely. That is NEVER the case. Even if you try to use another
exit, his accomplice will be there as well, waiting. At Walmart for
example, they have two exits, one on the left and one on the right and
an opening in the middle which the cart-boy uses to push all the
shopping carts in through. THAT, my friend, is your only escape.

Although, I do occasionaly give change (especially during the holidays),
I choose my charities wisely. I will most likely give my change to the
person ringing his bell for the Salvation Army before I donate to the
guy sitting on a fold-out chair, behind a folding poker table with a
wooden box sitting on top and a xeroxed piece of paper with non-legible
words on it. But that's just me.


Jury Duty Part 2

Posted: October 26, 2009 by Brian in comedy

8:00 a.m.
Juror Orientation begins. A series of speeches, application
walk-throughs, and videos nearly put me to sleep. I realized I needed
the coffee that I so vitally depend on but didn't get this morning
because I usually get some at work. Curses!

9:07 a.m.
The court staff member dismisses the room for a short 20 minute break
after calling the first group of victims for, what I assume, is first
panel. I was not part of that group. The man next to me stares at me
in weird ways. Another man, sitting across from me is wearing
glasses–SUNglasses–indoors. Oh, how I hate that. Also, I've already
discovered that loquacious person that everyone finds obnoxious and
wishes would accidentally fall out the 6th story window to her
not-so-pleasant death. Bitch…

9:42 a.m.
The second panel of jurors has been called. I was not a a part of THAT
group. I'd forgotten how tedious the jury duty process was. Headache
is slowly fading as my veins pump caffeine and aspirin through my
system. Very Nice! Although, my fear of catching H1N1 increases as
people cough and sneeze everywhere around me. Sick bastards! There is
such a thing as calling in sick to Jury Duty. I sit, and wait some

1:47 p.m.
Before we all took a 2-hour lunch (very nice), they called one more
panel of jurors to a courtroom. Again, I was ignored. I tried napping
but it seemed to be a much more difficult task than I thought. Mr.
Sunglass guy across the way is playing his iPod loud enough to hear.
The old asian lady next to me is napping and keeps bonking her head on
my shoulder. And countless people are in the envious state of "knocked
the fuck out", that it sounds like an ensemble of noses. I've been back
from lunch for almost half an hour and they have not said anything over
the loudspeaker yet. The guy two seats away from me, is in and out of
sleep and keeps whipping his head back. Its the funniest thing to see.
I can't help but laugh about it. Hope they call me soon, or not.

iPad. Do you?

Posted: October 26, 2009 by Brian in Femine Products, PMS, Vagina

Last night, I had to run an errand that some guys dread doing. I
personally don't mind doing it. But its something that will usually
have to be done at least once a month. That's right. Im talking making
a pad-run. Or tampon-run for those with adventurous wives or

Like I said, I usually don't mind this task. But last night, the
situation got a little hairy. No pun intended. When I go, its usually
in and out for me. Last night though, I also had to shop for a magazine
for today's Jury Duty. So I walk into my local Walgreens, browsed for
the specific brand, length, and thickness (some guys may already be
cringing as they read this). I found it, but I also found the same pad
in a costco-size package. In an attempt to save money I picked it up,
and off to the magazines I went. "This thing is huge", I thought to
myself as I noticed it's near 2 ft. length. "Maybe I should've looked
for my mag first before I picked up this behemoth, attention-grabbing
beast. Now, I stood in the magazine aisle with this huge pack of pads,
and of course I couldn't find a magazine I wanted. This thing became a
little embarrasing to be seen with, so I placed it on the floor about 3
feet away from me, to convince any passer by that it didn't belong to
me. After about 5 minutes, I grabbed a magazine and my pack and off to
the checkstands, "One more obstacle before I make it out".

Normally, the small pack can be hidden at my side when standing in
line. This thing was a boogie board, and was a little more difficult to
hide. I tried using the magazine to conceal it, but it only made the
magazine look like a pocket bible. Eventually, I made it out, and got

I think from now on, I'll stick to the regular size packs. Unless you, your wife or girlfriend happen to be the only women with a set of periodically menstruating vaginas, she will never need that many pads. Ever.

Jury Duty Part 1

Posted: October 26, 2009 by Brian in comedy

Off I go to the Long Beach Courthouse. Made sure I brought plenty of
snacks, reading/writing material, and my ipod. Its gonna be a great

I wish that was the case. This morning I really didn't want to get up,
despite the fact that had gotten almost two extra hours of sleep since I
wasn't going to work. I finished getting ready and started looking for
backpack stuffers for my arduous journey into the judicial system.
Snacks, I found some bland Granola Bars that have been played out from
being taken on numerous daily rounds to work. I say "rounds" because
they always seem to come back to the house with me. Reading Material, I
could not find some decent magazines at the store last night to save my
life. I setttled for National Geographic's Adventure mag with the main
article being: "How to Survive (almost) Anything". I wonder if they
have a bit on Jury Duty. And finally, a little entertainment. I
brought my iPod along just to later realize, on may way there, that it
was dead. Not even the slightest red sliver of juice left.

So with that said, my day so far seems to be headed for disaster. I'll
get through the magazine in less than an hour with nothing left to do
but observe the other hapless folks, hoping they give me something
interesting to blog about later.

My new favorite restaurant

Posted: October 25, 2009 by Brian in Uncategorized

Just wanted to share my new favorite restaurant with everyone. Especially since they finally have a website up. Yes its French so dont freak out. Its absolutely delicious. Carl actually referred it to me. Its in a very nice part of Long Beach. Just an amazing menu, great vibe, nice friendly people and a really nice price. Its called Le Creperie in the belmont area. Heres a link and i highly recommend it.

Emergency!! Move Your Ass!!

Posted: October 25, 2009 by Brian in 911, Emergency

For some reason, people seem to have forgotten the basic rule that one
must follow when one sees, or hears a siren. That rule: Move to the

Yesterday, I experienced this type of ignorance–twice! The first time
was the worst. This guy was driving along his little Nissan Sentra as
an ambulance pulls up behind him. The ambulance continues to blare the
sirens, the guy does not move. The ambulance driver finally gives up on
the guy and announces on his loudspeaker to "move to the right". The man
looked confused as if he had no idea what to do. "Move to the right!",
the driver yelled again, frustrated. Finally, Mr. Sentra moves out of
the way and the ambulance goes on its merry (or not) way.

It seems to be a growing trend to just STOP where you are and not move
to the right when an emergency vehicle approaches.

Lesson: If u hear and/or see sirens, move your ass to the right.

The Counterfeit Hobo

Posted: October 25, 2009 by Brian in comedy, Homeless

Today, I was driving on the freeway getting ready to exit. At the bottom of the ramp, I wasn’t surprised to see a lady holding a sign that read: “Hungry, Homeless, God Bless”, in what seems to be the trendy kindergarten writing as if she couldn’t write. I mean, if you’re gonna do something so shameful, like ask strangers for money, don’t you think you should be a little more creative with your sign. Maybe bust out the Bedazzler or some glitter. Try to give me some back story as to why your stupid-ass is “Homeless, Hungry”. I know, it may seem harsh, but just wait–there’s more.

As usual, I try to give people in this state something. Anything I can find, whether it be some rogue pennies, food, a water bottle. Then I noticed something funny. She looked like she was in pretty good condition for a HoBo. She had some nice jeans on, pretty jacket. Then, the lady stood up, packed her sign, picked up her purse–YES, HER PURSE–, a couple of water bottles. I mean if this lady wasn’t a fake HoBo, she was one of the most prepared and proactive HoBo’s I’ve ever seen. Here’s the kicker. I started driving off, and both Meg and I could not believe what we saw next. The CoBo(Counterfeit Hobo), took a cell phone out of her purse and was now making a phone call.

I’m so glad I wasn’t able to find a penny to give this woman. Un-be-lievable…